81 Pounds Get The Boot.

81 pounds!  HA!  

Good God, y’all.  What is it good for?  Aaaaabsolutely –

Well, it’s good for a reason to treat yourself to a sweet new jacket and some rockin’ ankle boots.  That’s what.   I weighed myself this morning and was thrilled to see that I’d lost 5.3 pounds and had moved into the 80’s.  1981, if you will - the year I was born.  There's got to be some double-rainbow-mind-bending significance to that...  

Or not.  

These last couple weeks have been interesting.  I don’t know why, but my body has changed a lot over the last couple of weeks, and it’s been really, really strange for me to try and wrap my mind around some of the things this has stirred up.  The more weight I lose, I am constantly surprised by the ways it affects me, both physically and mentally.  The mind grows, the body gets...  Ehhhhhh, weirder, apparently.  It would seem my body is getting better in some ways, and just plain odd in others.  We'll discuss the weirdness later this week.  It’s not all roses lately, so I've had to keep reminding myself that this is a very good thing.  

We've got a lot to talk about.

But for now, you might be wondering, "Well, Sarah, last time you had sushi to celebrate hitting 70 pounds.  How about this time?!"  

I did have salmon again, but the real celebration came in the form of suede, pleather, and a pleasing view of myself in the mirror.  My feet have finally decided to take part in this whole weight loss thing!  Some ladies are blessed and have lovely little feet and ankles, despite the rest of them not being quite so little.  Not I!

But, that has changed, and I have a rockin' pair of ankle boots to prove it.  I may or may not have also purchased a new pleather jacket at TJ Maxx.  (That, of course, means yes - yes, I did.)  Not only are my new ankle boots just plain awesome, they also happen to be deceptively comfortable.  Huzzah!!!

In honor of having lost 81 pounds, here are some photos of me basking in a brazen, wonderfully vain moment hearing Thin Lizzy's "Jailbreak" in my mind while checking myself out in my new goodies.  

Pleather jacket - can't find brand!  TJ Maxx - $29.99

Zigisoho black ankle boot wedges - $40 at DSW

The "D" Word.

Yeah.  The “D” word.  Go ahead – guess which one it is.

Dresses?  Dorky?  Does she mean a swear word?  No, dumby…  Oh -that’s a D-word, too…

Dating.  I hate that word.  When I think of dating, I think of some awkward, lame thing you do for an evening with some person you’ve barely just met, and a bunch of annoying, stupid things and whatnot.  Do I sound like a bratty little teenager?  WELL – you don’t  date anyone properly for, like, 7 years and we’ll see how far you regress.  I haven’t been interested in anyone in a very, very, verylong time.  It’s partly because I just haven’t, but I’m also pretty sure it’s because I’ve been pulling an ostrich, too. 

The idea of "dating" makes me about as comfortable as this video's business-man-by-day-wild-man-by-night, Maurice, and scrawny-wouldn't-have-made-it-as-a-viking Fred.  For lots of reasons.

Before you lose weight, it’s very easy to think, “Gee, golly – when I lose weight, I’ll be one pretty desirable hepcat!  It’ll be so much easier then!  Everything will just magically work out because I’m thinner – HOORAY!”

Well, I very well may be one desirable hepcat.  But this is another side of me I've kept safely hidden behind my steadily deteriorating wall of flubber.  Like many other things I've talked with you guys about, getting back in touch with it causes more of that annoying but liberating self-realization/growth nonsense.  I really am a pro at keeping things away that might hurt my heart.

I’ve never been one of those girls who embraced their size.  There are plenty of beautiful, strong, fantastic women who have.  I have never been comfortable with my physical body.  I’ve always known how to dress well – hide the funny bits and flatter the good ones…  I’ve never been shy, and I’ve always liked the things that are intrinsically me.  At times, I've thought that my personality and "coolness" were great enough to help people overlook my physical shortcomings, but I don't think I've ever really felt that it's possible for me to find love without fixing my exterior. 

Actually, what I really thought was that there was no way I would be able to meet someone great. I would either have to be single, or put up with someone gross enough to settle for me.  So, I’d rather be alone. 

Do I feel this way about people other people?  No.  Do we all say horrible, awful things to ourselves that we would never say to another person?  Abso-freaking-lutely.  The thought of someone saying things like that to a person I care about gives me the instant urge to cause them physical pain.  A couple of times.  But, somehow, it is always perfectly acceptable when trying to fairly, realistically analyze myself. 

So, I suppose I was right.  My exterior did have to change, but not for the destructive reasons I'd convinced myself of, and not to make me worthy of love.  Things at my core had to be shaken, rearranged, and sorted out so that I could be capable of accepting love should it happen to come my way.

So, when will it happen for me?  When will I finally meet someone again?

Who knows?  I look forward to it, but I don't care when.  For now, I am happy learning to love myself little by little.