5 Days of Sarah's Birthday: Today, I celebrate my singleness.

The title of this blog is still as appropriate as ever.

Late bloomer.  

I'm going to be 33, and I still feel as though I'm learning like I'm 23.  It's taken me a while to get there, but my 30's have definitely been my time to blossom.  Instead of dwelling on the things about myself that disappoint me, that I want to fix, that I think I haven't done well enough, and all my failures and shortcomings as I usually do, I chose to do a little something different.

On Facebook yesterday, I wrote:

On this, the 5th day before I turn 33, I have decided that I will not judge myself as usual, but instead celebrate who I've become.

Day 5: I am grateful that I exist. I like getting to know me. I like Sarah Bauman. If I weren't her, I'd want to be her pal. You're alright, Sarah Bauman.

I have the greatest friends who were quick to remind me that they've know this all along.  I have the greatest friends - the best friends I've ever had, and I'm so in love with them.  But...  

Something that's been nagging at me a little more recently...  My perpetual singleness.  

Today, on the fourth day before turn 33, I will continue choosing to not judge myself as usual, and celebrate who I've become.

Day 4: I am grateful that I am single, and have really never been otherwise.  There have been many "almost's," many brilliantly random encounters that just don't seem to happen in real life (but they do!) that scream in and disappear just as quickly.  

I'm really glad I've never had my heart shattered after having been in love and lost.  Don't get me wrong - my heart's been broken.  But I don't know what it's like to be in love and lose that.

I'd rather be single than be someone's "maybe."  

I'd rather be single than be in something I know is temporary and futile.  

I'd rather be single than tolerated.  

I'd rather be single than strung along.

I'd rather be single than with someone who, after ages, just can't put a label on it.  

I'd rather be single and a little naive than jaded.

I'd rather be single and, despite how futile it can seem sometimes, still have hope.

I'd rather be single and strong and in love with loving everyone than settle for less than that with one.

Eventually, there will be one.  We'll both come screaming in, in one heck of an epic collision.   Eventually...  But until then, this will do just fine.  

Insert GRRRR face here.

Yes, that's right.

I am making a squishy, probably highly unflattering BLERGGGHHH, grrrrrr, blehhhhh face right now.

Why, you ask?

I'm fluffy.  That's why.

Sarah who used to be 320+something pounds would be quite infuriated with 200lb, size-14 Sarah for complaining about her current state of being.  But, while I once was a tight, fit, size-12ish, 200lb lean, mean, dense, muscle, awesome-machine...

Now?  I am 200lbs of less muscle and a lot more wiggle.

Here's the thing.  Life happens.  It is pretty easy to commit to getting super buff and being in full-on-workout-super-mega-beast-mode when you have a part time job, a lot of time on your hands, and a large part of your very humble income is committed to the gym.

"What shall I do on my day(s) off?  Hmm.  Work out for 2 hours.  Oh - friend wants to go for a walk and then work out later, also?  Cool!"  And then I just worked out for almost 4 hours.

This would happen a couple of times a week, along with the more "normal" workouts that were only 1-2 hours.  But let's get real, yo.

Who has 2-4 hours a day to work out when you also work at least 45 hours a week, have a home, have a life, have people you love and want to see, and you need to...oh, you know - SLEEP.  Or eat.  Or, like, actually engage in life.

I don't know how to do it all.  I don't.  I have tried to figure it out, but I really don't know.  And this, my friends, has been the single biggest struggle over the last 2 years.  I should be grateful that I am 200lbs and not 330.  I should enjoy that, while I'm not small, I'm at least still in Curvy Girl Land instead of You're Slowly Killing Yourself Land.

This brings up two huge things that are plaguing my brain of late:

1.  How do you accept where you are?  Others have lovely things to say, especially those who haven't seen you since you lost the initial weight and are so excited for you.  It's strange how, even though they're right, even the loveliest things fall on deaf ears when you aren't succeeding how you feel you should.  It's almost angering.  And, why do I still see myself as a big person?  I don't think other people who've only met me since I've been this physical version of me see me that way.  When is everything good enough?

AAAAAAND two.

I want to be really physically fit again.  How do I do that while committing more realistic amounts of time per day to fitness?  I want to commit 30-75 minutes a day to physical activity.  My knees are in a bit of a state of disarray due to my weight history, so there are a few limitations.  But I want to be STRONG again.  I want to firm up again.  How do I do that knowing full well that I can't be the person who lackadaisically spends her multiple days off per week doing whatever she fancies, part of which happens to be working out for hours on end.

Readers who are fitness types or who have already or are struggling with this - throw a girl some pointers (but please avoid squats and lunges - my knees can't take it).  I really, really need it.  I want it.  Need it, dare I say.  No, no dares.  Definitely need it.

And those of you who are or have struggled with self-perception and trying to find a way to be content with where you're at:  lend me your thoughts.

I know it may seem as though I kid when I seem as though I'm talking with you all, but I really am.  I picture you all chatting right back to me.  I've got quite a soft spot for you, I do.  There are some things that I've experience and am going through that I really hope can help others know what they're getting themselves into when they lose weight.  But also?  I'm a girl who wants to hear from others who've already gone beyond where I am.  This is a conversation - not a lecture.  So let's chat.

Let the Little Victories Commence.

Little Victories, friends.  Little things add up to such big things.

As I've talked about in this here blog many times before, one of the truest of the most true things I can relay to you (even when I'm not doing it myself...) is this:  I will never cease to be repeatedly amazed at the mighty things that can happen when you simply choose to "do."  

Pyramids weren't built in a day, blah blah blah, insert cliche here, etc.  You get it.
(Speaking of pyramids, Fat Archaeology is SO happening again.)

While I most certainly have not been perfect since my last post, here's what I have been:

Honest.

With myself, that is.

Today, I didn't stick to my calorie goal.  But, I logged it.  I put it all in MyFitnessPal and I made sure to burn off what I ate.  My workout today may not make me lighter, but it will make me more fit, and I won't gain anything.  And working out most certainly did one of the things for which I love it the most:  it made me happy.  I ate a cookie, I had a piece of cheese pizza, I drank two Whitsuns with my work team, and I am still happy.  Not beating myself up, not angry about my poor decisions - content.  And even though I didn't stick to my 1500 calories, you know what I still am?

Happy.

Little Victories are so huge.  I have a tendency to concentrate on the very large, overall picture of where I know things need to and can be, and forget that it takes many a little goal to get there.  If we constantly think about the end result without breaking it down into smaller, regular, attainable and realistic goals, we set ourselves up for a feeling of perpetual failure.  I drive myself absolutely nutty and get nothing accomplished.  It feels infinitely better to meet lots of little goals.

If memory serves me, I think I may know a girl who did just this and lost about 130lbs once upon a time...

Here are my goals for the next week:
I will work out 5 times.
I will stick to my calorie goal a minimum of 4 times.
I will make a new, kickass installment of my Sweaty Beats playlist.
I will spend a half hour per day until Saturday tidying my bedroom.  My closet kind of threw up all over...
I must see How to Train Your Dragon 2.  Seriously, though.  It has to happen.

What've you got up your sleeve?  What would you like to tackle over the next little while?  Pick a little victory in your sights, or perhaps you've already had one recently!  Share away, friends.

Fashionably Late-r than ever.

It has been over a year since we've chatted, readers.  I named my blog partly because of the fact that I am very much a late bloomer, and largely because I am almost always late.  Well...  Better late than never.

To try and catch you up with everything my mind, body, and heart have gone through and learned in the last year in one blog post would just be silly.  So where do we start?

The end.  The beginning of the end.  Or, well...  A new beginning.

This blog began when a late bloomer was asked by so many to share her weight loss story - of growth, of struggles, tips, advice, hope, inspiration, defeat, a fair few archaeological discoveries, and a handful of other things that became part of her life changing.  The pounds began to shed.  My mind and body became stronger.  Becoming part of a community of you all who have been, are going, or are about to go through it by sharing through this blog helped me accomplish great things.  It gave me accountability.  It helped me sort through the remarkable chaos that is my brain at times.  It gave me support, goals, and so many people who helped me succeed by becoming a part of my little journey.

But what happens when things aren't so great?

You stop writing in your blog for over a year.
You can't do a single push-up.
You can't plank for 3 minutes anymore.
That pilates video that was too easy now seems impossible.
You don't make healthy meals at home on the regular.
You eat thoughtlessly and have developed a sweet tooth.
Your clothes still fit, but where they once were up against 190lbs of lean, mean, muscle machine, they now slightly cut in to 205lbs of wiggly, wobbly, fluffiness.
You now look like you weigh 205lbs, whereas before, that 190lbs was a toned-up-almost-size-10.
That picture of you 2 years ago when you were healthier and happier than you've ever been is now more difficult to look at than a photo of you from 4 years ago when you could barely work out the logistics of which bathroom stall you'd fit into best.
You forget that you can once again ride roller coasters.
You forget that you can shop in pretty much any store you want, and you own clothes that legitimately fit and have the size Medium in them.
You forget that walking a 5k in less than 40 minutes is the usual.
You forget that you now opt to ride your bike to work, and then go on bike rides for 20 miles like it ain't no thing.
You forget that so many people who worried about you for so long, but loved you as you were, are still happy to see you living life in ways you kept yourself from living before.
You get annoyed that people who know you as you are don't realize where you've come from, but before, looked forward to the day when people didn't know you as you were, but just as you are now.
You forget that you've had so many new experiences that are possible because of how you chose to change your life.
You think you have pretty moments, but don't like yourself as much these days.
You see all the things you didn't do, didn't do as well as you wanted to, or did wrong - and you never think about all the things you did, did well, and did right.
You have the most colorful, varied, brilliant, distinctive, wonderfully ridiculous, perfectly peculiar, absurdly loving bunch of fictional characters that are your real-life friends.
You have little cousins that see you in your bathing suit and say, "Remember when you used to be fat?!"

I am flawed.  I haven't made the best choices.  I've stumbled.

I sometimes feel like a failure.

And then I remember.

I am an intelligent, talented, respected, beautiful person who loves people and is so very fortunate to be loved in return.  I have had my dream jobs.  I've lived in another country.  I have an amazing job at a Michigan craft brewery that has so much potential it's silly, and I work with a cluster of dynamic, passionate, driven, supportive people.  I've had little adventures that you think only happen in the movies, but really happen every day.  I have so much to be thankful for, and so much to look forward to.

I was Sarah Bauman who lost 123lbs, her life changed, then wound up a bit lost.

As of today, I'm Sarah Bauman who's lost zero pounds, is choosing to change her life again, and can see the path off to the left, but just needs to cut through some overgrown shrubbery and will be right back on it.

I'm a late bloomer for life.  Sometimes things take a little while.  But while I have life, I choose to accept that blooming late is better than never.

I'm back.  I've missed you all.  Here we go again.

The Visitor - A Tale for Valentines

I've often likened myself to an island.  I love people, and I love music.  Those two things quite suffice.

However, one of dearest friends in Liverpool said something that got me thinking way back when.  She said, "Sarah, you know, it's strange - I'd consider you one of my best friends, but I know very little about you."

She was right.  I know so many people and could chat the day away, but as excruciatingly social as I am, I am also intensely guarded.  I've always figured that I had a certain amount of transparency and that people could just inherently "know" me.  Well, they may, but I'm not the greatest at getting very close with people.

I'm even worse at using the word boyfriend.

I am a lover of humans.  I thrive on human interaction, and am happy to galavant about and join in whatever people just might get up to.  It is as though the entire world is my boyfriend.  

I had an odd thought lately, but I'm going to share it with you anyway.  You should expect this by now.  

When I'd started dating someone a bit back in the day in Liverpool, a friend of mine said, "Sarah - it's just strange.  And this isn't meant to sound horrible, but it's almost like you're asexual.  I just can't imagine anyone being attached to you."

I thought that was hilarious, and actually quite accurate!  As I said, it is as though the world is my boyfriend.  It's almost as though I have this silly sense of duty to the world to love everyone and be everything I can be for them, so to have someone, one person, who I call my boyfriend or even, maybe, you know, fall in LOVE with, would just be ludicrous and a huge disservice to all of the lovely humans.

I did tell you it was an odd thought.

But, here's the thing.

This island had a visitor.

The visit was far more brief than I'd have cared for it to be, but it happened.  Someone got to this island.  It was good.  It was fun.  He was lovely.  I wasn't expecting it, and I got more out of it than I could have possibly anticipated.  Even when it ended, it ended with a three hour, wonderful conversation that literally ended a phase of chaos and helped me learn a great deal about myself.  

I'm not an island, I suppose.  And letting someone get to me, while possibly a disservice to all the other humans in the world (oh gee, laugh out loud, etc.), turned out to be wonderful.  

A few things that I got from this:  

I know even more lovely humans.
I learned that it turns out, I'm a pretty good girlfriend.

I learned that I don't have to worry about being able to handle work, working out, dieting, a social life, plus having a companion along for the ride.  I can do it.

I was reminded how wonderfully we all deserve to be treated and can't wait for it to happen again someday.

I also got Mister Breakfast.  It just happened, and we had to elaborate...  See below.

I'm spending Valentines Day running around town in a red polka dot shirt my Mom got for me handing out silly Lego Star Wars & holographic kitten and puppy valentines with candy hearts in them to all of my favorite humans, and probably a few I don't even know.  And then I'm going to have dinner with one of my favorite ladies in the world.  And then I'm going to smile for a moment and look forward to when I have another island visitor to share it with someday.

I do have copious amounts of love for you all.  Have the happiest Valentines Day.

Feeling good feels good.

It's impossible to not feel slightly more good after listening
to this.  Walk down the street playing this in your earbuds
and tell me you don't smile.  Impossible!

It's funny how life has its ebbs and flows.  This is nothing new, but somehow it seems like an epiphany over and over again.  When you're in the thick of it, some part of you is very logical and aware that it will most certainly pass, but another part of you just can't see past it.  It's hard to remember how to get back to feeling good again.

Once I got the hang of tracking my food, eating healthier and exercising regularly, it got to be second nature. It seemed so easy.  It was the norm.  It wasn't a challenge.  It was my way of life.  It was all so simple and so good.  

I forgot how easy it can be for that to not be the norm.

After a summer and an autumn of struggle, things are finally getting back to normal.  Being the person of extremes that I am, I expected to just start back up and rule the world as I remembered doing before.  But, therein lies the problem!  I had to break my mindset of trying to get back to where was.

I

am

not

THERE anymore!  That was then.  This is now.  Move along.

A lot has changed since then.  But, things have settled down and I'm in a better place in every way now.  I love it when you finally feel something break, something give way, and you know that you're on the right path again.  Well, it's not even that you're on the correct path again - you're at a great pace and making some serious headway towards whatever intersection, bend, bridge or whatever might be on the way.

I met up with a friend last Sunday who is a dietitian.  The initial plan was to talk about food, get some good ideas for new ways of eating, and new things to eat.  It ended up being a great conversation about where I'm at in life in general and what I've got to do to progress.  

It was a healthy dose of divine intervention.  Even though the things we talked about are things I already knew, it sometimes takes the right person at the right time saying something they didn't even know they needed to that hits you, breaks you down, builds you up, and propels you all at once.

I keep forgetting that life is a process.  Things don't magically find a perfect groove forever.  You may have a good stretch, but you'll have rough ones, too.  And they will come and go, and then come and go again.  

I'm finally starting to get it.  

I don't have to do it all at once!  There are so many things I need to do, both at work, and for myself.  But I've been working on a few things at a time.  This week, my goal was to go grocery shopping and return to my regular eating and exercise habits, remembering that even if I only get a half hour of something in, it is better than nothing.  I've also tried starting my days with 10-15 minutes of some kind of exercise.  One morning, I did a 10 minute Pilates video.  Another morning, I did a bunch of core exercises.  I've overcome my urge to buy peanut butter, because if that's in my house, well - it's over.  

I've also done necessary but boring things like scheduling appointments with doctors and insurance agents, rethinking my spending habits and reworking my budget, getting organized, and figuring out a regular schedule of exercise.  I just might start going to bed earlier, too.  

You've heard me say this before, and I will say it over and over again.

It is amazing what happens when you make calculated, boring, conscious choices to simply do things.  

I'm learning that feeling good and being content is not as simple as "feeling" good.  Right now, I've got a lot to work on.  But feeling good is a choice, and it's choosing to make good decisions that will lead to a life of good, not a season of good.  

It's a new kind of goodness, but nonetheless, it feels good to feel good once again.

Y'all best appreciate.

Admit it.  You do it, too.

Sometimes we get so focused on the things that we need to work on that we forget to stop and appreciate the things we've already done and what we've got.

Me?

I've got a bum.  Yup.  I've not been the biggest fan of this bum and, in fact, started to focus on trying to trim that little lady down.  But, the street I work on and walk up and down multiple times a day lends itself to forgetting anyone else is on the other side of those windows and checking yourself out in the reflection.  (Seriously - ask my friends who work inside a media hub on the corner, and they'll have a few goodies to share about things people do in those windows' reflections, including me doing the running man while they're in meetings.)

Today, while strutting past those windows, I noticed my bum.  And I also noticed that it's not too bad of a bum.

I'm doin' alright.  You're doin' alright.  And if you aren't doing' alright, then do a little something about it. Take .3 seconds and remind yourself about the things you DO like about you.  There's a lot more good than we take the time to remember. Y'all best appreciate.

A New Resolve for a New Year.

Ending 2012 trying to remember how
far I've come!

Dear, dear readers!

A year ago, and feeling amazing.

Oh, my, so much has happened in the last couple of months.  So very much.  And you can be sure I intend to fill you in little by little.  It would be too much for one conversation.  Silly as it may seem, I do view these blogs as more of a conversation with all of you lovely humans I picture as I write.  I have missed you all.  I have missed our chats.

So, let's get reacquainted.  Catch up a bit.

How are you?  Did you have happy holidays?  What did you get for Christmas?  Did you indulge happily, satisfyingly refrain, or a bit of both?  Did you kiss someone on New Years' Eve at midnight, or did you make the most of a bit of mistletoe?  Did you make any resolutions this year?  If you made any last year, how did that go?

The New Year has never felt particularly new to me.  I've never felt like January 1st is anything other than a new day on a calendar.  I've never felt any particular significance to the magic date change that begins the next year.

Since I can recall, my year's always begun around August to September.  Having parents in education, being a student once upon a time, and working within the entertainment industry lends to things winding down in June and kicking back into high gear in August and September.

It just so happens that something's been brewing within me for quite some time, and the resolve to push forward finally made its way to the forefront.  I like that this happened to happen right now, the beginning of a brand new year.

When people have talked about "plateaus" in the past, I always surmised that it was a physical one.  Turns out, it can be mental, too.  And mine certainly has been.  A few things have happened in the last week, though, that have renewed me and instilled a drive and lust for life that I've been missing for a while.

A dear friend of mine put it like this:  there's a wall in front of you, and you've got a few big cement blocks you can stand on just enough to see over it, so you think, "Sweet!  I'm out of it!"  But, it turns out you aren't over it - you just got a view of the other side.  Then, something happens - and whatever it is, it puts its hands together, gives you a foothold and a lift, then nudges you on your way up the wall.  Before you know it, you're on top of the wall and all you have to do is start down the other side. Or, if you're like me, you just jump.

A year ago also, thrilled to be turning 30
and DJing alongside friends.

So, with this new year, I will not make resolutions.  I will embrace this new resolve and the faith that things are better, will continue to get better, and remember what I have done and what I am capable of doing.  I will be thankful for the things I've done and experienced in 2012.  And I will start out 2013 with the resolve to work on these things:

I will be thankful for the wonderful humans that have entered into my life, some of these even in just the last couple of months.
I will work harder.
I will focus, organize, and start ruling the world once again.
I will start tracking my food and working out a minimum of 5 times a week (and attempt to do so in the morning).  This is not because of a desire to be thin, but because of the satisfaction and contentment and happiness an active, healthy life brings me.

And I'll tell you all about it along the way.

Happy New Year, friends.  I hope and pray your 2013 is one full of truly living life, and things that may not be comfortable, but will be very, very good.

Cheers.

Back in the saddle again.

Doubt.

Confusion.

Chaos.  

Defeat.

Unbalance.

These are a few of my (least) favorite things.

As you know, they have been some of the most prominent things in my life over the last while, however.  So I went back to the beginning: what started all this?  What did I do that made this work?

Simple.

I didn't feel.  I didn't analyze.  I didn't get all bent out of shape about things.  There was no "A-ha" moment that made me magically start doing anything.  I made boring, calculated, measurable choices that eventually led to bigger changes both physically and mentally.

So I did it again.  I just started.

I'd gotten back up to 200.6 lbs as of about a week and a half ago.  I made myself get on the scale because I knew I needed to see it.  I broke down crying at the gym and felt like an utter failure.  Then, I went a bit numb for a few days.  

I made a boring, calculated choice to start doing what I know I should do again.  

1.5 weeks back into it?  This is what happened.  

I.  AM.  BACK!!!!!

Here we go, people.  I shall never cease to be repeatedly amazed at the simple truth that great things happen if you'll simply just do it.  

Carry on, people.  Carry on.

YO. Reality Check (one two, what is this?!)

So, you remember that on and off switch I mentioned a while back?  Well, I know I said that I was ready to turn the whole weight loss thing up a notch because I've been too casual about it lately.

That hasn't happened yet.  

Time for some honesty, people.  When I go quiet, it's because I'm ashamed.  And here is why.

I've been burning the candle from both ends and then once it was out, picked up the wax, melted it, stuck a piece of yarn in it to try and reuse it as a candle until eventually I was out of light and had acquired a pointless ball of waxy stuff.  I burned myself out, but it's been fun.  Downside?  I'm back up to 196lbs, peoples.  I was down to 188, but I've had a complete lack of self-control with food in the midst of all the fun I've had.  

I made myself take a break from freaking out and being so obsessive over losing weight.  I needed to lighten up and do a bit of living.  The problem is, I let myself go a little too far.  SWITCH - off.  I had such a good balance going around the beginning of July and got down to 188, but then started finding comfort in food when a lot of life changes began overwhelming me a bit.

What do do you when life comes at you from every which way?  I've freaked out a little bit, which I'm sure you can tell looking back at my more recent blogs.  Finding balance, questioning things, feeling defeated, losing focus - these things happen.  But, it sucks.  I got it together for a little while, but I'm still a bit flustered.  

In an effort to regroup, I've been reading up on some of life's biggest stress-causers.  Change, even great change, can throw you for a loop!  I'm still in mid-loop-throw, it would seem.  But, a good chat with your parents, some organization, and structure go a long way.

So, unless it involves some sweet, old-school hiphop, no buggin' out necessary.  

Balance.

When life gives you a box of chocolates, or some lemons, or a tornado or a big sunny double rainbow - I don't know.  Feed the tornado some lemons while you juggle chocolates trying to explain to one rainbow that the other one just forgot it's not its turn that day.

Life makes just about that much sense.

These last couple of months have been interesting!  I feel as though I've fallen into a trap of apologetic blogger who means well but doesn't post enough, etc.  So, let's just get that out of the way.  Sorry I haven't been posting as diligently as I once did.  But, well, rainbows are fussy and it turns out tornadoes love lemons.  The chocolates?  Well, they looked delicious - but I'm trying to maintain my girlish figure, so I thought I may as well learn to juggle.  With chocolate.  It's been interesting trying to figure out how to balance it all.

Which brings me to today's lesson:

Balance.

How does one obtain this?  Some people just seem to inherently have it.  Others never have it, but they're really good at juggling.  Some people learn it eventually...  Others just don't have it, don't get it, and never will.  I'm not quite sure where I fall on this spectrum, but the last few months have been a lesson in this department - that is for certain.

As I've mentioned before, I don't have a dimmer.  My switch is ON, or it's off...

Kalamazoo State Theatre, Kalamazoo, MI.  My home away from home.

I work at a beautiful, historic, old theatre.  Tucked in little coves along the theatre walls are these fantastic Liberace-esque candelabras.  Until a few years ago, their only light setting was on.  Really, really on.  We wanted to install dimmers so that we could dim the lights during our events to still have that romantic, old-school aesthetic, but we knew that it was going to be quite a tedious and laborious process to get it done.  This place is nearing 90 years old, and changes like this are always quite a feat.  Getting to wiring tucked in walls made of plaster, horse hair, and more is always a bit of a trick.  Every time I sneak into the theatre during a show and see the gentle glow, though, I'm reminded of how very much it was worth it.

I've been trying really hard to install my own dimmer, but apparently it required a couple of meetings, some brainstorming sessions, a cost-analysis, some compromise, and then some difficult rewiring to install this stinking dimmer.  Actually, I'd prefer to not think of it as a dimmer, but more of a...  balancer-thingamadoojob.  Yes, that's much better.

Nearly 90-year-old light control panel.  The
switches next to the tape marked "on" actually
turn on stars and clouds on the theatre ceiling.

I'm quite hard on myself when I'm not as diligent about my food.  I stress out when I have a day that I didn't work out, and I really get perturbed when there are a few days in a week where I don't work out.  But there is so much life happening - meeting people, changing circumstances, fun things that pop up, and more.  I've had so much fun getting out and about, making an effort to be present, do things, have fun with people, enjoy new and old friends.  My role at work has evolved in a wonderful way, bringing along new, interesting challenges, and I am one busy, busy bee.  Finding time for everything I want to make happen in a day is a challenge.

So many interesting, and thankfully, good things are happening.  I've been reminded recently by a few of you outstanding people who I've gotten to know through this blog that, sometimes, it is good and it is necessary to pause, reflect, see how far you've come, and appreciate where you're at.

I'm in the mood to turn the lights on full blast again.  Brighten it up a bit.  But, I suppose adjusting my balancer-thingmadoojob to let life happen every now & then won't kill me.  I may not be as full bore at all times as I have been, but I'm certainly enjoying the glow.

Dinner on the fly.

I'm hungry.  What am I going to do?  I have fresh salmon, fruit, and frozen vegetables, and I'm in the mood for balsamic vinegar...

Light bulb!

Here's my dinner from a couple of nights ago.  I reduced some balsamic vinegar by letting it simmer on medium heat, stirring it regularly and letting it thicken and tossed in about a 1/2 cup of blueberries, chopped up peach, and a bunch of basil.  Then, I threw my green beans in a pan to steam, and my salmon in another pan with some garlic powder, ginger, lime, and pepper.  After the green beans were done, I tossed them with a smidge of garlic powder, a bunch of ginger, and a teaspoon of soy.

Result!

The whole meal was 450 calories, which is higher than usual for me, but the piece of salmon was 5.5 ounces, about 1.5 ounces more than I usually eat and the balsamic fruit reduction added a few calories, too.  Was delicious, though!

Any random experimentation you've all been up to lately?  Share!

Restart - Take 2

I just got hit by a rogue shell.
Fire power gone...
No worries!  There's a box with a question mark.
It better not be a coin...  I need a "big."  Right.  Now.
Great!
Wait...
NO.  No.
PAUSE!
Okay...  I can be little Mario and try to finish the level, orrrrrr...

Annnnnd I'm dead.

Meh.  Restart...

If only starting over were as simple as smacking a button on the top of my brother's Super Nintendo system...  So many times I'd get to a point where I'd try the same level over and over, and in a fit of frustration, "SMACK!!!!!"  Reset.  Do over.  Restart.  "Stupid moving pipey things with fireballs coming at me and a wizard that just keeps appearing...  OVER IT."

I said I'd start over in my last blog.  I did, for a couple days.  Then blew it...  Then I did again for a couple of days!  And then I blew it for a few days...  I'm not sure what my problem is, but I am all out of sorts lately!  It seems like every few months, I've got to sit down and hash out a game plan.  Get organized.  Get back on a schedule.  Plan out my eating.  Clean my abyss of a bedroom.  Oh, Lordy - here we go...

Step 1 
Pre-planning my food again as usual.  As I mentioned before, a key to my progress has been making sure that I have good food available to me, things that are quick and easy to grab, and often planning out what I'm going to eat for the whole day either that morning, or the night before.  I haven't been buying groceries as thoughtfully as I used to. I've got to be honest with myself.  For whatever reason lately, I've had a very difficult time sticking to my guns and I have to make sure there is nothing in my cupboard that will allow me to splurge thoughtlessly.  Usually, I've got it down. I've got control.  I don't have as much control lately, and I've got to keep things away from me that will tempt me to do the wrong thing.  It's about to get real.

Step 2
The bedroom!  They say messy house messy mind, yeah? This is true.  I'm a bit of a discombobulated thingamabob right now trying to sort out quite a few aspects of life. When I get frazzled, I let my room get uber-frazzled.  It is time for a top-to-bottom clean of my room, and a purging of the wardrobe.  Anything that doesn't fit must go.  What will I do with all of those clothes?  I will have a garage sale at my parents' - date TBD.  I've got a lot of great stuff in very gently/never used condition.  I'll keep you all posted.

Step 3
I love flying by the seat of my pants.  But, I've got to have structure.  I need to get to bed earlier, get up early and work out, and make the most of my day.  Structure may seem restrictive, but oh no, no, no, it is not.  Structure allows you to get done what must be done in a timely fashion so you can do more with the time you have left over.  I spend too much time trying to figure out what I'm going to do and how, easily distracted by - well, I'm easily distracted period, and end up spending too much time on random minutiae instead of just getting to it.  I'm a list-maker extraordinaire.  I will tackle lists like nobody's business, but if it doesn't make the list...  Bad news, bears.  I've got to give myself guidelines, timelines, lists, and things of the like or else it all goes to pot.  I'm better at this at work than I am with my personal responsibilities, and this is a change of the most critically imperative nature.

Now, if only I had a Yoshi I could ride around - everything would be sorted.  How? I don't know, but I've always wanted to ride a dinosaur with a shell on its back that can reach things from long distances with its tongue.  Haven't you?!

5k and A New Day.

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Sunday.  It should have been a great day.  I should have been really pleased with myself.

Should have...

Last year, my grand ol' city of Kalamazoo became host to a new marathon - Borgess Hospital's Run for the Health of It.  The company I work for decided to sponsor any of us who wanted to get involved, so I decided it'd be a great idea and a great example of my new-found healthy lifestyle to take part.  I had a hard time coming alive that day, but I pushed myself through it and I finished in 52 minutes.  I was disappointed that day because I knew I did over 3 miles regularly in a little less than that, but I was pleased that I'd decided to partake.

It's so interesting looking back.  One year ago, I was about 285lbs and had lost about 30.  I was in better shape and feeling really good about myself.  I walked along with my friend Erin, each of us with our pump-you-up tunes channeling into our brains through one earbud so we could chat along the way.  We huffed it!  We did the math, and we walked an average of 4.13 miles per hour and I was really pleased with the steady pace, even uphill.  It's really weird to think that I did the same thing today as I did a year ago, but about 90lbs lighter, and about 10 minutes faster.  It felt good to improve and feel how far I've come.

But.

After all of that, I couldn't stop thinking about how my lack of diligence has caught up with me and I spent the better part of the day feeling so very disappointed in myself.  I know I've put on a couple of pounds.  I've had a rough month, which is no excuse.  But instead of my exercise enhancing my weight loss, it's helped me juuuuust about break even.  I've realized that if there are easy, yummy things around me, I don't say no very well.  I'm just fine when I can control the foods around me and how they've been prepared.  When I'm not in as much control as I'd like, though, I find myself either eating without even realizing what I've consumed, or almost having an anxiety attack about how what I'm going to do so that I stick within what I know I should consume.  I've had a few awkward moments at restaurants when I pretty much have an anxiety attack over what I'm going to eat because it seems like there isn't anything reasonable for me to eat.  True story.  Ask my Mom.

What am I going to do about this?

I've gotta celebrate!  I've come so far!  I'm perfectly capable of making good choices, but I realize I'm still in a phase where I have to log my calories the majority of the time, because while I am a better eater overall, I still have times where I eat thoughtlessly and end up eating things that I shouldn't.  Work in progress here, people.  Work in progress.  And while this is nauseatingly overused, tomorrow really is a new day.  Today was a new day, too.  What did I do with it?  What shall I do with tomorrow?

I decided that today, I would reboot - get back to my good, ol' healthy eating standards and let my body get back to normal and recover from all of the things it's not used to processing.  I already feel better.

And what surprise awaited me on this day of getting back on the horse?  A phone call from my gym.  I work out regularly at my local Snap Fitness, and they started a weight loss challenge in the beginning of March.  We had to do the final weigh in last Monday, the last day of my gym membership.  I was really sad that I wouldn't be able to afford to keep it up, but it turns out  I will have 3 more months of gym membership.

For free.

Yep - for free.  I won!  Diligence pays off, and just because I may have flubbed up for a while...  Well, I am human, and I mess up sometimes.  Thank God for reminding me, though, that just because I screwed up, it doesn't mean that I am a screw up.

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Goodbye, 200's!

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On a work-out date night with
my friend, Lindsey.

I was prepared for my weigh-in Tuesday morning.  It is a huge time of transition, and I must admit – I lost control the last couple of weeks.  I worked out hard, but I am hugely aggravated that, in a mentally and emotionally difficult time, I allowed myself to be comforted by indulging in food.  Well – and a few pretty magical craft beers.

I actually left the 200’s the week prior, but I didn’t want to commit to it because I knew that I’d messed it up.  I was certain.  So, I braced myself, stood on the scale, and to my complete surprise, I saw these numbers:

197.7

ONE HUNDRED ninety seven pointseven pounds…

I’m really not in the 200’s anymore…  My weight really starts with a 1…  Can you even remember the last time you were in the 1’s?  The smallest weight I can remember is 216.  You are really, really for real in the 1’s, Sarah.  You’re really still there.  That sounds…  Normal…

Things are changing; so many things both in and out of my control.  And while there are many different ways these things have manifested, I realized it all boils down to this: 

I am finally okay with being me.

“Why is this a problem?” you ask?  Because more than being content and confident in myself, I have this little voice inside my head telling me to “know my place.” 

“You can’t say you’re pretty, or go for that, or try this, or think great things are possible for you – be humble,” I hear from some cruel, bossy place within me.  That is not humility. That is confusion, doubt, and fear rearing their ugly head. There has been a big, mean battle within me, and I seem to pull no punches.

No more.  I’m done with the 200’s, and I’m done with this battle.

Eat my shorts, 200's.  I kick and I punch.

Here is what has begun to sink in over the last couple of weeks:

I am a beautiful, loveable, smart, confident person who absolutely adores people and life, and has a good head on her shoulders.  I have no reason to doubt myself.  I have no reason to not stick to my guns.  I have no reason to cower.  I have no reason to feel unworthy.  I never used to be this way, I never should have begun, and I am finished with it.  

Moving into the 100’s, I’ve got to tell you – it’s an interesting time.  It’s a little scary.  And sometimes it’s hard.  And sometimes I freak out a little bit because I’m in a transition between who I was for a while, who I am, and who I’m becoming.  

I like who I’m becoming.

From top left to bottom right:  Me at about 320lbs in January 2011, me at over 300lbs in March of 2011, then
me at 60, 70, 80, 90lbs, and 100lbs lost!

If you'd like to catch up on the big milestones since I've started this here blog, feel free to check these out!

Sixty, Shimxty: Another 10lb Benchmark Smashed.
70lbs - Gone To The Fishes.
81lbs Get The Boot.
30's, Here I Come: Gained a year, and lost 90lbs.
Lost 101 Pounds and Found Myself.

Readers, have you already gone through some of these changes or find yourself in an interesting time of transition, yourself?  I would really love to hear from you.  How are you doing?  How did you get through it?  What advice can you give the rest of us, or what advice do you need from others?  There’s a pretty great group of you out there with invaluable life experience, so let’s share.

Light Eggplant Parmesan

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I was in the mood for eggplant parmesan from one of my favorite restaurants in downtown Kalamazoo, Mangia Mangia.  SO, I took it upon myself to scour this here interweb for a light version to try out.  There were quite a few people ranting and raving about Moosewood's Eggplant Parmesan and tomato wine sauce, so I tried it out with a few minor alterations.

Um...  Awesome.

Even two servings of it is still a reasonable dinner!  It was great the first time, and even better the second time.  So here it is.  I seriously encourage you to try it.  Whether you're trying to watch your calories or not, it is absolutely delicious.

Serves 8.




Tomato Wine Sauce
2tsp olive oil
1 finely chopped onion
3 garlic cloves
2 tsp ground fennel (couldn't find any, so I substituted a cup of chopped, fresh fennel)
1tsp dried oregano
1tsp dried basil
1/2 cup red wine (I used a burgundy per the advice of a darling elderly lady in my local super market)
1 can Hunt's whole canned tomatoes (3.5 cups)
pepper to taste


Warm olive oil, onion, and garlic and saute on low heat for 5-7 minutes.  Add fennel, oregano and basil for 1 minute.  Pour in wine & bring to boil.  Blend tomatoes to desired consistency (I like it chunky) and add, simmering for about 20 minutes.



Eggplant Parmesan
1lb eggplant cut crosswise into 1/3" slices
4 egg whites
2 servings (60 chips) Special K Sea Salt Cracker Chips (instead of bread crumbs)
3tbs grated Parmesan cheese
2 large garlic cloves, finely chopped
2tsp dried basil
1 cup low fat ricotta cheese
8oz reduced fat part skim mozzarella cheese
tomato wine sauce

Preheat oven to 375.


Slice eggplant and set aside.  Find a bowl in which the eggplant rounds can lie flat and lightly beat hte egg whites.  Crush Special K chips into bread crumb consistency.  In a large bowl, combine the crumbs, Parmesan cheese, garlic, and basil.

Dip the eggplant slices on a baking sheet coated with cooking spray.  Should you have any leftover bread crumb mixture, set it aside.  Bake eggplant for about 15-20 minutes on each side until tender and easily pierced with a fork.

Spread about half the sauce in the bottom of an 8x12" glass baking dish.  Layer about half the eggplant slices on top of the sauce.  Spread all the ricotta cheese evenly on the eggplant and top with about 1 1/2 cups mozzarella.  Use the rest of the eggplant slices for a second layer.  Cover the with remaing sauce and any extra bread crumb mixture.  Sprinkle the top with the final 1/2 cup mozzarella and bake, uncovered for 25-30 minutes until the cheese is melted and bubbly.

And, don't forget to drink the rest of the red.

Nutritional Info:
Calories:  230
Carbs:  19
Fat:  8
Protein:  18
Sodium:  542
Fiber:  6

Weight Watchers Points Plus Values:  5pts (free fruits and/or vegetables not included)

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Toasted Sesame Spaghetti Squash

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I was quite pleased with myself that, after being thrilled to hear that I'd hit a momentous benchmark, I made a very healthy dinner for my roommate and I!  We often take turns experimenting with healthy new recipes, and she recently bought Trader Joe's toasted sesame oil.  So, I felt it necessary to try it!  I looked up some Asian recipes online that included toasted sesame oil, and below is my pleasantly delicious concoction.  Hope you enjoy!

Ingredients:
1tbs Trader Joes Toasted Sesame Oil
1tbs sunflower seeds
1/2tsp ginger
1/2tsp garlic powder
1tbs white wine vinegar
1tsp franks hot sauce
2tbs chopped green onions
3tbs low sodium soy sauce
1/2cup edamame
10 spears asparagus
4oz mushrooms (chopped, sliced, however you like)
2 medium 6-7" carrots
1/3cup peanuts
1 3lb spaghetti squash
1/4 cup bean sprouts

Combine toasted sesame oil, sunflower seeds, 1/4tsp ginger, 1/4tsp garlic powder, white wine vinegar, hot sauce, green onions, 2tbs soy sauce, and edamame in bowl.  Stir, and let sit.

Preheat oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit (176C). Chop spaghetti squash in half.  Remove seeds and place open side down on baking sheet.  Cook for one 1hr 15mins or until fully cooked through.  In my experience, it's better a little overdone so that it's not too moist and runny.

Saute asparagus, mushrooms, peanuts and carrots with 1tbs soy sauce, 1/4tsp ginger and 1/4 tsp garlic powder until asparagus is tender.  I left the carrots a bit crunchy because I wanted the texture.

In large bowl or pan, mix together the sesame oil mixture, spaghetti squash, and vegetables.  Divide into 3 servings, add about 1/4cup bean sprouts on top.

Nutritional Information:
Calories: 292
Carbs:  19
Fat:  17
Protein:  13
Sodium:  515
Fiber:  10
Weight Watchers Points Plus (minus free vegetables):  5

Lost 101 Pounds and Found Myself.

I began this journey at, well, I'm not sure what my weight was.   I first recorded my weight in March of 2011, and I was 316.5lbs.  I am thrilled to say that as of Monday, 11 months later, I am at 215.5.  I should be excited, but I just find myself a bit dumbfounded.

What does losing 100lbs feel like? 

Bowling a year ago, over 316.5lbs.

It’s a bit like doing Tae Bo moves without your arm literally smacking you in the face. 

It’s sitting on the floor and not seeing your tummy down to your knees. 

It’s not being worried if bathroom stalls will be wide enough.

It’s not being angry if you have to sit next to someone in a movie theatre.

It’s stretching out my thighs before working out without having to rest against the wall, struggling to bend my knee high enough to grab my foot.

It’s walking up flights of stairs, thinking about my breathing and heart rate, hoping that I could make it and that no one would notice how badly I was struggling.

It feels like going to an amusement park and not being turned away from a roller coaster because I don’t fit.

It feels like not having to work out the logistics for every crowded room, for every seat that might not fit, and all the things you haven’t even thought of yet.

It’s being confused when you see a photo with you in it and you don’t stick out anymore.

It feels like walking down the street to get coffee, seeing a reflection and thinking, “Huh… She’s cute…” and then realizing it’s you. 

It’s realizing how badly you wished you could just be a size 18/20 someday, then realizing that you’re past it. 

It feels like remembering how absolutely hopeless the idea of ever being in the realm of normal health and size seemed. 

It feels like meeting your friends’ children without their first words to you being, “You’re biiiig,” and having to think of some clever, lighthearted response to show what a good sense of humor you have. 

It’s making good choices whether or not you’re inspired to.

Old "skinny" jeans!

It feels like going to Macys on Sunday and daring yourself to put on a size 16 pair of Levis in the regular womens’ department and seeing your ridiculous, giddy reaction in the mirror when they fit.

It’s the realization that you can now go shopping anywhere you want and do the same thing.

It feels like finding out your feet are really a size 8.5 to 9 wide, not a 10 or 11.

It’s finally being able to go shoe shopping and understanding the predicament of trying on 100 you love that FIT, and having to make up your mind.

It’s realizing that someone who caught your eye just looked back.

It’s dancing like a mad woman so long that you should have collapsed by now, but you just keep going.

It’s discovering you have a collarbone. 

It’s seeing the curve of your shoulders into triceps.  And you aren’t even flexing.

It feels like chasing your little cousin around the yard.

It’s jogging for…  Well, it’s jogging.  Period.  Even if it’s only for a minute. 

It’s realizing how many people care about you immensely and have genuinely hoped the best for you before you were able to want the best for yourself.

It feels like the huge sigh of relief from your parents when they realize that they don’t have to worry that they’ll outlive you anymore.

It feels like the hope you didn’t realize you were lacking.

It feels like exuding more joy and energy than you were able to before.

It’s realizing how much really is possible.

It’s realizing that I can do it.  Whatever “it” is. 

It feels like I’m free.

It’s living, people.  It is living. 

I remember very, very well how absolutely impossible this seemed.  My Mom and I went to see the first travelling-sister-yaya-panthood movie (or Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants, if you will…).  Every single time there was a scene in Greece, we’d swoon and whisper how much we’d love to go there.  My Mom leaned over to me and said, “When you lose 100lbs, we’ll go there!”  I smiled and said “Okay!” and figured it’d definitely, probably, maybe happen someday.  I’ve known for many years that I needed to do something.  As hopeless as I have been, some part of me knew that it was certain to happen someday.  I just didn’t know when.  Who knows why we’re wired the way we are, but once a switch inside of me is flipped, it is done.  D, O, N, E…  Done.  I don’t know why it took so long for this internal switch to get flipped, but fashionably late is better than never.  The Big Guy Upstairs must’ve known what he was up to, after all.

So, how does one celebrate losing 100lbs?  We’ll get to Greece, eventually.  But for now…

By getting a new pair of workout shoes with a gift certificate to Gazelle Sports from your parents!  Once again, the folks at Gazelle pointed me in the right direction, new shoe size and all. 

By making a new dinner concoction, and being quietly satisfied that 100lbs in, you’re satisfied celebrating with a delicious, healthy meal that I will tell you about tomorrow.

By sitting on my couch trying desperately to write a blog post, puzzled as to why I’m not more excited about it, then being blessed with the realizations above.   

While writing this and looking back on my journey so far, I find myself overcome by this thought:

I think about you, Readers.  I do.  And today in particular, I’m thinking very much about those of you who might be in the same boat as I was, feeling hopeless and facing an impossible battle.  More than anything, I sincerely and earnestly hope that something in this little blog of mine will show you just how deserving and capable you are of making it happen.  I have silly amounts of love for you, and want desperately for you to have your own interesting, difficult, amazing journey to share.  Thank you for being a part of mine!

From top left to bottom right: my skinny jeans size 24, workout pants size XL pants and L tshirt from Old Navy,
size 24 skinny jeans from side, size 28 skirt, current size 18 jeans that are too big, black dress size 22/24 from Lane Bryant.  

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