Insert GRRRR face here.

Yes, that's right.

I am making a squishy, probably highly unflattering BLERGGGHHH, grrrrrr, blehhhhh face right now.

Why, you ask?

I'm fluffy.  That's why.

Sarah who used to be 320+something pounds would be quite infuriated with 200lb, size-14 Sarah for complaining about her current state of being.  But, while I once was a tight, fit, size-12ish, 200lb lean, mean, dense, muscle, awesome-machine...

Now?  I am 200lbs of less muscle and a lot more wiggle.

Here's the thing.  Life happens.  It is pretty easy to commit to getting super buff and being in full-on-workout-super-mega-beast-mode when you have a part time job, a lot of time on your hands, and a large part of your very humble income is committed to the gym.

"What shall I do on my day(s) off?  Hmm.  Work out for 2 hours.  Oh - friend wants to go for a walk and then work out later, also?  Cool!"  And then I just worked out for almost 4 hours.

This would happen a couple of times a week, along with the more "normal" workouts that were only 1-2 hours.  But let's get real, yo.

Who has 2-4 hours a day to work out when you also work at least 45 hours a week, have a home, have a life, have people you love and want to see, and you need to...oh, you know - SLEEP.  Or eat.  Or, like, actually engage in life.

I don't know how to do it all.  I don't.  I have tried to figure it out, but I really don't know.  And this, my friends, has been the single biggest struggle over the last 2 years.  I should be grateful that I am 200lbs and not 330.  I should enjoy that, while I'm not small, I'm at least still in Curvy Girl Land instead of You're Slowly Killing Yourself Land.

This brings up two huge things that are plaguing my brain of late:

1.  How do you accept where you are?  Others have lovely things to say, especially those who haven't seen you since you lost the initial weight and are so excited for you.  It's strange how, even though they're right, even the loveliest things fall on deaf ears when you aren't succeeding how you feel you should.  It's almost angering.  And, why do I still see myself as a big person?  I don't think other people who've only met me since I've been this physical version of me see me that way.  When is everything good enough?

AAAAAAND two.

I want to be really physically fit again.  How do I do that while committing more realistic amounts of time per day to fitness?  I want to commit 30-75 minutes a day to physical activity.  My knees are in a bit of a state of disarray due to my weight history, so there are a few limitations.  But I want to be STRONG again.  I want to firm up again.  How do I do that knowing full well that I can't be the person who lackadaisically spends her multiple days off per week doing whatever she fancies, part of which happens to be working out for hours on end.

Readers who are fitness types or who have already or are struggling with this - throw a girl some pointers (but please avoid squats and lunges - my knees can't take it).  I really, really need it.  I want it.  Need it, dare I say.  No, no dares.  Definitely need it.

And those of you who are or have struggled with self-perception and trying to find a way to be content with where you're at:  lend me your thoughts.

I know it may seem as though I kid when I seem as though I'm talking with you all, but I really am.  I picture you all chatting right back to me.  I've got quite a soft spot for you, I do.  There are some things that I've experience and am going through that I really hope can help others know what they're getting themselves into when they lose weight.  But also?  I'm a girl who wants to hear from others who've already gone beyond where I am.  This is a conversation - not a lecture.  So let's chat.

Fashionably Late-r than ever.

It has been over a year since we've chatted, readers.  I named my blog partly because of the fact that I am very much a late bloomer, and largely because I am almost always late.  Well...  Better late than never.

To try and catch you up with everything my mind, body, and heart have gone through and learned in the last year in one blog post would just be silly.  So where do we start?

The end.  The beginning of the end.  Or, well...  A new beginning.

This blog began when a late bloomer was asked by so many to share her weight loss story - of growth, of struggles, tips, advice, hope, inspiration, defeat, a fair few archaeological discoveries, and a handful of other things that became part of her life changing.  The pounds began to shed.  My mind and body became stronger.  Becoming part of a community of you all who have been, are going, or are about to go through it by sharing through this blog helped me accomplish great things.  It gave me accountability.  It helped me sort through the remarkable chaos that is my brain at times.  It gave me support, goals, and so many people who helped me succeed by becoming a part of my little journey.

But what happens when things aren't so great?

You stop writing in your blog for over a year.
You can't do a single push-up.
You can't plank for 3 minutes anymore.
That pilates video that was too easy now seems impossible.
You don't make healthy meals at home on the regular.
You eat thoughtlessly and have developed a sweet tooth.
Your clothes still fit, but where they once were up against 190lbs of lean, mean, muscle machine, they now slightly cut in to 205lbs of wiggly, wobbly, fluffiness.
You now look like you weigh 205lbs, whereas before, that 190lbs was a toned-up-almost-size-10.
That picture of you 2 years ago when you were healthier and happier than you've ever been is now more difficult to look at than a photo of you from 4 years ago when you could barely work out the logistics of which bathroom stall you'd fit into best.
You forget that you can once again ride roller coasters.
You forget that you can shop in pretty much any store you want, and you own clothes that legitimately fit and have the size Medium in them.
You forget that walking a 5k in less than 40 minutes is the usual.
You forget that you now opt to ride your bike to work, and then go on bike rides for 20 miles like it ain't no thing.
You forget that so many people who worried about you for so long, but loved you as you were, are still happy to see you living life in ways you kept yourself from living before.
You get annoyed that people who know you as you are don't realize where you've come from, but before, looked forward to the day when people didn't know you as you were, but just as you are now.
You forget that you've had so many new experiences that are possible because of how you chose to change your life.
You think you have pretty moments, but don't like yourself as much these days.
You see all the things you didn't do, didn't do as well as you wanted to, or did wrong - and you never think about all the things you did, did well, and did right.
You have the most colorful, varied, brilliant, distinctive, wonderfully ridiculous, perfectly peculiar, absurdly loving bunch of fictional characters that are your real-life friends.
You have little cousins that see you in your bathing suit and say, "Remember when you used to be fat?!"

I am flawed.  I haven't made the best choices.  I've stumbled.

I sometimes feel like a failure.

And then I remember.

I am an intelligent, talented, respected, beautiful person who loves people and is so very fortunate to be loved in return.  I have had my dream jobs.  I've lived in another country.  I have an amazing job at a Michigan craft brewery that has so much potential it's silly, and I work with a cluster of dynamic, passionate, driven, supportive people.  I've had little adventures that you think only happen in the movies, but really happen every day.  I have so much to be thankful for, and so much to look forward to.

I was Sarah Bauman who lost 123lbs, her life changed, then wound up a bit lost.

As of today, I'm Sarah Bauman who's lost zero pounds, is choosing to change her life again, and can see the path off to the left, but just needs to cut through some overgrown shrubbery and will be right back on it.

I'm a late bloomer for life.  Sometimes things take a little while.  But while I have life, I choose to accept that blooming late is better than never.

I'm back.  I've missed you all.  Here we go again.

A Firming Affirmation.

Lovely Generic Photo of Snap Fitness

I met someone on Thursday night.  It was all niceties and happy conversation at first, then I let them start bossing me around.  And it hurts a bit.

Yes, I had my first go-round with a personal trainer.  She set me up with a workout plan at the new Snap Fitness that popped up near where I live.

It.
Was...
AWESOME.

It kicked off with us having a chat about my regular workout habits, and discussing what I wanted to get out of it.  The girl who I worked with seemed to really, genuinely love doing this.  I can't remember verbatim, but when I told her how excited I was to get to do all this, she said how great it is to get to work with people who have that mindset.

She started asking me about my exercise habits and what I'd like to get out of the workout we came up with.  I told her I wanted to burn calories, get stronger, and that I'd noticed that I lost weight more when I was doing things that worked my muscles, too.  She seemed really pleased with my answer, and very happy that I understood that I needed more than cardio.  She said that it was great to have an understanding that working muscles was essential to making your body burn calories more efficiently all throughout the day.  I told her certain areas that I wanted to work on, and she happily said, "I've got you covered."   I really love how it became very apparent she'd realized the type of workouter (made up word, yes) I was by my answers to her questions.

Apparently, I'm quite strong, and she seemed happy about that, too.  She seemed very excited to have me try out some five station circuit training thing that she does on what I call "the jungle gym."  You know the thing I mean...  It's got the handles on ropes, and a pull up thingy, and dudes are always doing stuff at it grunting awkwardly loud...  I'll be on that, yep.  And, she's going to have me bench press.  Bench press!  Ha!

As for the workout, though, I basically warmed up with a bit of cardio, then she walked me through different machines that worked my arms, back, core, thighs, and glutes.  The plan is to warm up, work muscles, then get 30-50 minutes of cardio in.  It was really well-rounded, and it was very interesting to see what parts of my body are weaker than others.  It's so funny how muscles in what seems to be the same part of your body have such different strength.

Afterwards, I was a bit surprised that one of the most rewarding things about the experience was all of the affirmation I got about what I'd already been doing and my overall mindset and ideas about things.  It feels really good when someone who knows what they're doing confirms that you're on the right track.  She loved that I was the type to say, "I've just got to get in 30 minutes" but wind up doing 45.  She seemed pleased that I did the full 10 minutes of cardio when she said to warm up with 5-10.  There were quite a few things that I did during the workout that seemed to really impress her, and got her excited to find ways to push me later.  Which, of course, makes me want to push myself even more.

So, I did on Saturday morning.  My muscles were still pretty fatigued from Thursday, but I just had to get it in.  There were a few things that already seemed easier.  I was more sore while doing the exercises, but I feel less sore now than I did before I worked out.  How about that?  And it felt good, once again, to get some nice reactions from the trainer.

I have this problem with not listening to myself enough.  I hear so many different people's stories, ideas, opinions, tips, tricks, and suggestions.  And for some reason, I feel that if I don't do it, I'm somehow being ungracious or rude, even if it's something contrary to what I think or would like to do.  So it feels really, really great to get affirmation from people who are trained in things like fitness and healthy eating.  I need to listen to myself, and not be so darn afraid to stick to my guns.

And I need to work on my shoulders...  Those girls are weak.  For real.

I'm so giddy to go back again.  I can not wait.